Board Games More Deserving Than Battleship

I like board games. I like them more than video games. When it comes down to it, be it 11 million world-wide players or a handful scratching out a couple kills in a  late-night frag-fest, I’d rather be hanging out with my friends, stopping the elder gods in a game of Arkham Horror or dominating Westaros in The Game of Thrones. Of course I got my start playing games like Monopoly or Trouble, both of which i still occasionally play. That said there are a few lines that I don’t think should be crossed and one of my old standbys, Battleship is crossing them.

Now, I admit, I am more taken by the trailer for Battleship than I think is warranted. I don’t even believe that I’ll be going out of my way to see it in the theater. Maybe I’ll Redbox it, maybe not. So you see my level of interest is high.

(A-9) Miss!

Maybe I’m just not being fair. Maybe there’s an ocean of material to be explored for the concept of two people randomly guessing number-letter coordinates on a pair of plastic grids littered with little ships.

(H-3) Miss!

Maybe not.

There has been one good Board Game to Silver Screen Adaptation that most of the Fanboys can agree on, Clue. Tim Curry Does a great job as the (SPOILER ALERT 30 YEARS POST) movies mysterious dry-humored killer. Hollywood liked it so much that they thought it deserved a re-make. So be prepared as the team that brought you Pirates of the Caribbean and adventure on the high seas aims to contain their ambition to a single mansion. Taking another turn for the worse is Gore Verbinski labeling his version of Clue a thriller, potentially killing all of the fun that came with the Tim Curry version.

(G-7) Miss!

I digress, the point is that everything is fodder for movie making. If executives can take Battleship and make it into a film I’m sure a plausible story could be written for something like Candyland where actual characters exist. In that vein here are our top 5 for that transition.

(B-5) Hit!.

Candyland

People seem to really like Alice in Wonderland. They like the craziness of a drug-inspired realm where dreams fade into nightmares and then recede along the horizon back into dream. Candyland is another version of that. Starting as a child’s story this dream realm is full whipped cream walkways lined with candy-canes, peppermint cities with towers made from hardened caramel and rivers of soda. Of course included in the darker parts of that dream are twisted murdering witches and chocolate covered demons ready to snuff the life out of anyone foolish enough to venture their way, and they’ll get their chances.

(B-4) Hit!.

Chutes and Ladders

A Thriller, this one sees children running away from some knife-wielding murderer, escaping into the sewers. Of course once you get down there the fun just starts as there is one way out and many different pitfalls. Turns out that the Killer knows these sewers as well, with his hide-out being one of the dead-ends in the labyrinth. Various clues littering the sewers can spell death or freedom for the children.

(B-3) Hit!.

Cross-Fire

It is hard to place this one anywhere but in the 80′s. The commercials for it are so arcane at this point and the product itself has gone the way of the Dino-Riders. But for those of us that remember when it first came across the television screen, with two Cobra-Kai Dojo rejects attempting to play as hard as they could, this game will live on.

This will take the Step Up series to the next level. Dancing to replace actual violence is one thing, Dancing while avoiding spinning blades of death being launched back and forth across the dance floor is something all together different. This will be the Mortal Kombat of dance movies, full of friendships, hot moves, and fatalities. a Cameo by Johnny Cage is not out of the question.

(B-2) Hit!.

Sorry!

Including vampires or other supernaturals in this list is inevitable. This is the spot. Think of it this way, Sorry! has four different colors and each one represents a different supernatural. Red – Vampires, Blue – Werewolves, Green – Faeries and Yellow – Zombies (to capture all audiences). Set on a space station (to include something that hits every sci-fi/horror demographic.) labeled as a secure testing facility for the human race.

The gist is that the human race is on the decline. The supernatural world of a series like Trueblood is on the rise and the supernaturals don’t like humans mucking about. Being stronger, smarter, faster, and pretty much all around better, the supernaturals have waged war with humanity, and humanity is losing. On the space station they build for survival humans take samples of each of the supernaturals, clone them and pit them against one another in an attempt to learn their weaknesses and flaws. Things go horribly wrong when the subjects of the test all get loose at once and their fighting becomes so violent that it threatens to break into the Human Mother ship (conveniently attached to the testing facility).

Let your mind take it from there.

(B-1) Hit! You sank my battleship!

Settlers of Catan

This could be done a number of ways. The top two, in my mind, are as a documentary or as a period drama between ruling trade houses.

As a Documentary this film could be hilarious. You take 4 best friends, give them an unlimited supply of cheap beer, Mountain Dew, and snacks and lock them in a room together for a weekend. They can only leave after they’ve played 20 games of Settlers or the weekend ends. Chances are that by the end of the weekend friendships will weaken, hatreds will be bred and friendships permanently damaged.

Of course you can’t just have the 4 best friends, there needs to be a certain dynamic to the group to entice the audience. You need a rule-nazi, an ultra passive-aggressive, a cheerful ‘for the love of the game’ type and the one no one wants to play with because he always wins. I imagine this much like “The King of Kong” documentary, hilarious and filled with despicable turns of character.

The Second way, the more traditional way would be much more practical. It would involve houses fighting for their personal lots in order to control the realm, with children making back-handed deals for this or that, much like game of thrones with more of a focus on local economy. This is probably the main reason that this movie is not made.